1) Must not wear hair in a ponytail. Particularly if he is bald on top.
2) Must not drink so much that he blacks out, kills me, then wakes up, finds me dead beside him next to a bucket of half-eaten fried chicken, and wonders what happened.
3) Must not own a gun.
4) Must not own a chainsaw.
5) Must not own black plastic trash bags.
6) In the event that he does accidentally/purposefully kill me blacked out on alcohol, must not dismember me.
7) Must not cook me. This is VERY important.
8) Must not eat me. This is actually the most important thing that I look for in a mate...is that he is not a cannibal. I do not want to be eaten by another human being. Maybe by a tiger, though.