RIP Mr. Wonderful

To be clear, MW is not dead.



However, I am fairly certain I will never hear from him again. Let's go to the tape.



*Flashback*



MW grabbed me and pulled me into an ATM vestibule. He leaned in to kiss me. My whole body vomited. I bolted into traffic and dove into a cab through the window.

cut to

*April: A cool crisp day*

I was enjoying a lovely day with my cousin. We had stopped off at a quaint little bar for a couple of glasses (bottles) of wine, when my phone began receiving drunk messages from MW who had just won two grand on a baseball game. (Yes, we can add "severe gambling problem" to "staggering drinking problem" and "questionable fashion sense" and "artless self-congratulation" on the list of MW's attributes. I sure can pick em.).

Now, I do like my men with a little money on the side. But there is little I find more repulsive than a man (or woman for that matter) who brags about the amount of money he or she has. I don't give a shit. Just buy me something and shut your mouth.

So, to make a long, anti-climactic texting tale short, MW informed me that he was in a limo with some friends and they were on their way to pick my cousin and myself up and take us to Atlantic city.

I called him immediately to tell him that, unfortunately, as appealing as riding in a sweaty limo with his sweaty friends was, we had prior engagements that we just couldn't possibly break. However, when he picked up the phone, I soon realized that he was beyond speech.

"Hello, MW?"

"!!!!!!!!. HAHAHAHAHA" (I hear girls screeching in the background)

"Um, MW?"

"WHERE YOU I SHALEGANDFA weiowA:w !!!!!!!!!!"

(More screeching)

"What?"

"lkajdfs"

"HELLO???"

"Hi. Who is this?" A somewhat inebriated voice asked.

"This is Cookieface. Who is this?"

"This is MW's friend. Are you coming?"

"Absolutely not."

"Good. You sound like a stupid bitch." *click*

WOW.

Now I'm sort of stunned for 2 reasons. 1) A stranger just called me a stupid bitch and 2) It was as if this stranger KNEW me.

*The next morning, Sunday, 9 FUCKING AM*

My phone rings.

I look down and it's MW. My cousin has woken up and groggily asks "Who the fuck is calling you so early?"

"MW," I reply. "I am going to pick up because it's going to be funny"

And it was.

A) He did not remember texting me
B) He did not remember speaking to me
C) He woke up in AC next to a half-eaten bucket of chicken, and empty wallet, and no idea how he had gotten there. (Please see my previous post)
D) He thought it was QUITE hilarious that his friend called me a stupid bitch
E) He demonstrated how funny he thought his friend calling me a stupid bitch was by squealing in his high-pitched demonic-mountain goat laugh which my cousin now imitates perfectly.

To wrap things up, the next time I saw MW was the last.
I was out.
He texted me
I told him he could meet me.
He got to the bar.
He started dancing with some strange men
I ignored him.
He left.

And that, my friends, is the end of that.