Friends Letting Friends Date Drunk

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Walking to Work

I saw a really hot homeless man.

Shyly, I glanced his way. He looked at me and gave me an impish grin. And then went back to rummaging through the trashcan.

I walked on air for the rest of the day.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

How I Know I May have just had Sex with a Sociopath

He declared his love for me over and over again before, he called my (throat clear) "vagina" my (double throat clear) "Shame-Shame," during, and instantly rolled off of me, walked over to the couch, and settled in to read New York Post directly followed by The Daily News after.*

This happened every. Single. Time. We. Did. It. The. Exact. Same. Way.

Yes, i realize that some of you probably consider him a hero.

I sort of do too.

*Eventually, I would try to get up first and beat him to the couch, reasoning that somehow this was salvaging some sense of pride. And so that I could do the crossword in the Daily News before he read it.

How I Know The Sex is Going to Be Bad

He smokes a bong in front of you right before and doesn't offer you any.

How I know it's about to be Shark Week*

1) I burst into tears because the moon is so beautifully terrible

2) I review my Netflix Queue.

* To be clear, Shark Week is referring to the week when I experience womanly nature, not to the A&E special that airs once a year. Check your local listings.

How I Know He Doesn't Really Like me

I get the hug with the back pat.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Things I learned in Vegas

1) Drinking at breakfast is one of my favorite things to do. Second only to drinking all day.

2) The Playboy Club is very different from The Playboy Mansion. Who was to know?

3) People in Vegas take their pants off when you tell them to take their pants off. I know this because I told three people to take their pants off and all three of them took their pants off. This never happens in New York. Read: At work.

4) It is possible to eat breakfast twice and pass out twice with two different people in two different rooms in one night.

5) People are actually more dumb and more pathetic than I thought. And I am currently watching a commercial for "The Greatest American Dog" where human beings are asking dogs questions like "What do you think of Obama's health care plan?" and then pausing for a response. My dog liked to sniff other dogs butts. And lick where his balls should have been.

6) I perfected my theory on the "Hot Stupid Guy and his Ugly but much Funnier, Intelligent, Charming Friend," which I will explore in future posts.

7) I don't sweat as much in dry heat, but my hair grows twice as fast.

8) I shouldn't drink two martinis, 4 glasses of wine, eat 3 pounds of sushi, 1 large cup of TCBY frozen yogurt, and 1/4th a bag of Chinese rice crunch mix before getting on a redeye back to New York. It was unpleasant for both myself and the two unlucky individuals that were seated next to me. (But still, kind of funny for me).