Phrases That Will Not Make Me Drop My Panties* **

10) "I'm an Actor."

9) "You just caught me in the middle of a burp. I'm just pounding it out."

8) "I've taken quite a few classes on women."

7) "Do you want to come back to my place and play Guitar Hero?"

6) "I hate condoms." (Yeah, Guy. We all hate them. But you sound like the Clap and you smell like Herpes).

5) "Do you want to listen to this song I just recorded with my band?" (God, no).

4) Imitating this soundbite every 5 minutes.

3) "I have a little gas."

2) "I live with my parents."

1) Guy: "You and I are going out after Labor Day."

Me: "Why? is that when your Olive Garden Coupons become valid?"

Guy: (Completely missing joke). "No. Because I have my kids until then."

*All of the above have been part of exchanges I've had in the past 3-5 months.

**I deeply apologize to anyone who is offended by the word "panties." I feel your pain, but "panties" just doesn't bother me for some reason. And yet "package" makes me want to stick a nail file in my ears.

Greeting Cards

If there's not one already, there should be a card like the following that I can send to people who suck at life:

On the front: A person of indeterminate sex (probably one of those black and white crude sketches) sitting on a toilet, clearly trying very hard to squeeze one out.

Then you open the card, and inside it reads:

"Have a Crappy Birthday."

I'm here all week.