Friends Letting Friends Date Drunk

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Hey Xmastime! Remember This?

TOP TEN ways someone breaks up with you and the translation of what each phrase means. If you have any to add, please feel free...I'd love to get to 100...this is going to go in the Anthology I'm putting together called: "Piecing together the tattered remains of my pride and my unflagging pursuit of complete self-distruction" #10: "Lets take a break." Translation: "I've found someone else to do, but I still might want to do you so I don't want to completely lose you as an option."

#9: “I don’t wanna risk losing our friendship that means so much to me.” Translation: “Im not sexually attracted to you, but I still want you there if it’s a Friday night and nobody else has asked me out. Also, I’ll need someone from the opposite sex to whine to when blows me off”

#8: “It’s not you, it’s me.” Translation: “WOW, is it you. I’m desperately trying to shovel in my whole double quarter-pounder so I can sprint out of here and begin my post-you life.”

#7: "I'm not good enough for you." Translation: "You are a loser. I'm going off to find someone with a job and health insurance."

#6: (a classic if there ever was one) “I love you, but I’m not IN love with you.” Translation: “How long after this awkward talk does society insist I wait before I can fuck all of your friends?”
#5: "I need to concentrate on my career and am afraid I might neglect you." Translation: "I found someone else to do and I really don’t think I’ll want to do you again.”

#4: "I want to learn to grow, to find new and different experiences." Translation: "I’m an idiot, and I’m still looking for a man who is so perfect he ejaculates chocolate. In the meantime, I will settle for fucking the rugby team."

#3: "I have Ebola.” Translation: "I'm dumping you!"

#2: “I think we might be moving in different directions.” Translation: “I got into college!!! Have fun working with your dad at Safeway, you fucking hick!!”

#1 "I'm afraid I'm falling in love with you and that scares me." Translation: I am not in love with you at all, I am just too much of a pussy to tell you the truth which is, you are kind of ugly, a little fat, I really only had the intention of doing you once, but got sucked in because you paid for everything, and my girlfriend was off at college. She's back now. We do it all the time…please stop calling me.


andtheend. said...

"you deserve better than this." translation: there is no one better than me, and i deserve so much better than you, you sniveling, moss-smelling, turd. i only fucked you more than once because you had cable.

mamalizza said...

"because you're an asshole." translation: i'm not really breaking up with you, i just want you to know that i know you treat me like shit but we're still gonna keep sleeping together anyway.