Friends Letting Friends Date Drunk

Saturday, April 5, 2008


I would like to say that I went out with MW one last time for a reason other than making myself and my friends laugh. But this would be a lie.


The number of times I thought to myself "I HAVE to remember what he just said so that I can make fun of him later." 1,007

The number of things I said I had to remember that I actually remembered . 1

The number of times I laughed at his jokes: 0

The number of times he laughed at his jokes: 550

The number of times I cringed out of embarrassment: 4000

The number of Jamesons on the rocks I consumed: 91, 459

We met at a wine bar. He had arrived before me, and had helpfully ordered a bottle of, and I quote, "I don't know exactly what it is...I just told the waiter to bring me something expensive."

Please note that he says this to me without actually looking at me. In fact, although I was sitting right next to him, MW did not turn his head once to look at me the entire time we were at the wine bar. It was one of the oddest things I had ever experienced. He just sat there, arms folded, looking straight ahead. A sample conversation:

Me: So, how was your day?

MW: *Staring straight ahead* It was...(heh heh) good. (Smiling secretly to himself as if to indicate that his day went just a little bit better than he had chosen to share.

Me: *Taking bait* Sounds like it! What happened?

MW: *Staring straight ahead* Nothing. (Secretive smile turning into a full on grin, shakes head slowly back and forth, apparently reliving his good day.

Me: *Confused* Oh...

MW: *Staring straight ahead*(Practically shoving hand in mouth to keep from giggling over his glorious day). How was YOUR day?

Me: Well, it was-
MW: *Staring straight ahead* (Laughing hysterically). I'm sorry, It's day...

And this went on. A few times his eyes crept to the corners and deigned to glance upon me, but for the most part they were fixed straight ahead.

We then went to a dive bar. Here is where I wish I could remember the things he said...but because they were so brilliantly conceited, I was forced to dive head first into a bottle of Jamesons just to stick around...which I did for the soul purpose of recounting to my friends later the conceited things he said . Sigh. I live in a perpetual catch 22.


EDW said...

This is hilarious - because I have totally done that. I have even written the inane things on a napkin that I later pulled out weeks later from the bottom of my purse to find my drunken scrawls on. But the staring straight ahead has never happened - that is so totally sociopathic!

Cookieface said...

Dude. I was speechless.