Emails I will Never Send #2

Dear Himbo:

How are you?/I don't care. I'm well/Fucking a lot.

So, it's no secret that you are the absolute last person on the planet that I would call if I needed something manly done, like mowing the lawn or shaving. However even i wasn't expecting such a shocking display of cowardice on your part.

I forgave you when you told me (to your credit, a bit sheepishly) that you gave yourself mango facials because I wanted to believe you when you said that it was to prevent breakouts due to your 3 hour gym sessions and I really didn't want you to stop going to the gym because your body was really all you had going for you in the looks department.

I forgave you when you refused to go into Trash & Vaudeville with me because "Baby, it looks scary," despite the fact that 75% of my wardrobe comes from there because hey, I knew you might feel a bit out of place in your lime green polo shirt (collar popped) and Khaki shorts amidst all the pleather.

I even forgave you for not responding to my text message a few weeks after we broke up that read "Hey, just checking in, nothing loaded, hope you are okay," because I figured that you were at a spa getting a paraffin wax treatment with your mama and friends trying to sort out whether you are precious like a baby lamb or precious like a golden angel, and that you probably just didn't get service there.

But REALLY. We were together for five months. You want to open up a line of communication? Send me a text. I'm a texter. Call me. I'll pick up and say hello. Email me. I'm at work all day in front of the computer. If you HAVE to (and I mean as your VERY last resort), send me a message through Face Book. I won't respond to the lameness right away, but I'll acknowledge it in my mind as a half-assed effort.

I am disgusted by what I saw on my Face Book page. Like, horrified, insulted...a little nauseated. We haven't spoken since August. And yet you thought it would be okay to "Poke" me? Like, "Hey friend, been thinkin' about ya!" Wrong kind of poke, asshole.

So FYI, I'm not going to remove you as a friend because I want you to be able to continue to access pictures of my exploits and me looking hot for as long as you like, but I am going to remove your "poke" and not return it. I'm stunned. Truly. Nut up or shut up.

Signed:

I Can't Believe It's not Butt-his Face Book

(Yes, I'm aware that probably doesn't make sense to you, but it made me laugh, Douche.)