EMAILS I will Never Send: #1

Dear Himbo:

I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for being such a douchestick in the last week of our relationship, forcing me to dump your ass over text message because it made it much easier than it would have been if you had actually been a legit citizen and ended it like a man.

However, as grateful as I am to your ugly ass parents (and I do mean ugly...I've never seen a man with a nose that big or that purple or a woman with an ass that wide and that flat) for not having a cool gene in their bloated bodies to pass on to you, I do feel as if I never got to say a few things that were on my mind during and subsequent to the last days of our relationship, so I do hope you wouldn't mind if I bend your eyes for just a few moments.

a) When you began sobbing in my bed the Sunday of our third week of dating, and you divulged to me that you used to be bulimic and I hugged you and told you everything was going to be okay and that I thought you were strong for telling me, I was actually thinking "Jesus Christ, what a fucking pussy."

b) When you asked me if I thought you were a pussy for crying and I said "No," I was lying.

c) No matter how long you primped in front of the mirror like you were going to the fucking prom, your hair always looked like shit. And yes, it was fucking red, not blonde.

d) You aren't actually funny. At all. It's not really your fault that you don't know that, I suppose. I did make the unfortunate mistake of laughing at your one joke the first 50 times you told it.

e) It kind of grossed me out when you did your gay impression. I guess because you reminded me of my 88 year-old female cousin when she's fussing at the air-conditioner.

f) Honestly, I thought the fact that you did yoga was a little gay. I know I shouldn't have, but when we were doing the warrior pose during that Bikram Yoga class we took together, you looked pretty fucking gay.

g) Although i repeatedly assured you that you were, you weren't actually the best sex I had ever had. But thanks for playing.

h) That Member's Only jacket that you bought from the thrift store in my neighborhood was about 2 sizes to small for you. And looked pretty gay and douchey at the same time.

i) Only pussy's talk to Mommy and Daddy about whether or not they should be with their girlfriends anymore.

j) Come to think of it, I think that your ex-girlfriend's friends may have been right when your ex told you that they all thought you were gay.

Anyway, I think that's all I have to say to you besides good luck with future projects, whomever he may be. Oh, and that I wish you had choked on that cookie from the batch your mommy was making you when she told you I was "different" and that it would be wise to "get to know me better." Fuck you and Fuck her too.

Yours never,

Cookieface

:-)