The 30 Steps to Drunken Dating

1) Admit that you have a problem.
2) Accept that there is nothing you can do about your problem.
3) Feel an overwhelming sense of freedom.
4) Celebrate sense of freedom with a glass of wine.
5) Have another glass of wine to celebrate wine’s freedom from the bottle.
6) Feel sorry for wine still in bottle.
7) Become a hero and liberate remaining wine. Viva la Vino!
8) Consider wardrobe choice for the evening---discover that it’s only 2pm.
9) Fall asleep. At your desk. At work. How awkward.
10) Wake up and walk out pretending like you didn’t just get drunk and fall asleep at your desk in the middle of the day. (This one rarely works unless the rest of your office is drunk. That almost never happens.)
11) Have a glass of wine to celebrate not getting fired.
12) See steps 5, 6, and 7.
13) Struggle into “date clothes.” I.E.: Whatever is lying on your floor that doesn’t have crust in the crotch.
14) Ride subway to meet “date” at pre-determined destination---most likely a bar with a name that has an apostrophe.
15) Pretend that you are sober.
16) Pretend that you didn’t just “miss the staircase.”
17) Pretend that you remember what your date looks like.
18) Ask questions about his life.
19) Pretend to care.
20) Feel a tap on your shoulder.
21) Turn around ready to throw down.
22) Realize your “date” has been waiting for you at the bar.
23) You have been talking to a lamp.
24) Order a whiskey.
25) See steps 18 and 19.
26) Stick your tongue down the throat of who you believe to be your date.
27) Finally begin to black out.
28) Get wildly offended by something your date says.
29) Storm out of bar. Wake up in your bed the next day without a clue as to how you got there.