RIP Mr. Wonderful

To be clear, MW is not dead.



However, I am fairly certain I will never hear from him again. Let's go to the tape.



*Flashback*



MW grabbed me and pulled me into an ATM vestibule. He leaned in to kiss me. My whole body vomited. I bolted into traffic and dove into a cab through the window.

cut to

*April: A cool crisp day*

I was enjoying a lovely day with my cousin. We had stopped off at a quaint little bar for a couple of glasses (bottles) of wine, when my phone began receiving drunk messages from MW who had just won two grand on a baseball game. (Yes, we can add "severe gambling problem" to "staggering drinking problem" and "questionable fashion sense" and "artless self-congratulation" on the list of MW's attributes. I sure can pick em.).

Now, I do like my men with a little money on the side. But there is little I find more repulsive than a man (or woman for that matter) who brags about the amount of money he or she has. I don't give a shit. Just buy me something and shut your mouth.

So, to make a long, anti-climactic texting tale short, MW informed me that he was in a limo with some friends and they were on their way to pick my cousin and myself up and take us to Atlantic city.

I called him immediately to tell him that, unfortunately, as appealing as riding in a sweaty limo with his sweaty friends was, we had prior engagements that we just couldn't possibly break. However, when he picked up the phone, I soon realized that he was beyond speech.

"Hello, MW?"

"!!!!!!!!. HAHAHAHAHA" (I hear girls screeching in the background)

"Um, MW?"

"WHERE YOU I SHALEGANDFA weiowA:w !!!!!!!!!!"

(More screeching)

"What?"

"lkajdfs"

"HELLO???"

"Hi. Who is this?" A somewhat inebriated voice asked.

"This is Cookieface. Who is this?"

"This is MW's friend. Are you coming?"

"Absolutely not."

"Good. You sound like a stupid bitch." *click*

WOW.

Now I'm sort of stunned for 2 reasons. 1) A stranger just called me a stupid bitch and 2) It was as if this stranger KNEW me.

*The next morning, Sunday, 9 FUCKING AM*

My phone rings.

I look down and it's MW. My cousin has woken up and groggily asks "Who the fuck is calling you so early?"

"MW," I reply. "I am going to pick up because it's going to be funny"

And it was.

A) He did not remember texting me
B) He did not remember speaking to me
C) He woke up in AC next to a half-eaten bucket of chicken, and empty wallet, and no idea how he had gotten there. (Please see my previous post)
D) He thought it was QUITE hilarious that his friend called me a stupid bitch
E) He demonstrated how funny he thought his friend calling me a stupid bitch was by squealing in his high-pitched demonic-mountain goat laugh which my cousin now imitates perfectly.

To wrap things up, the next time I saw MW was the last.
I was out.
He texted me
I told him he could meet me.
He got to the bar.
He started dancing with some strange men
I ignored him.
He left.

And that, my friends, is the end of that.

Mr. Wonderful IV

While we were still at the wine bar, I weighed my options: Go home (the option that a normal, well-adjusted person would have chosen), or just drink until MW was tolerable (there aren't enough fruits and roots in the world to produce that amount of alcohol). Of course, I chose the second option, because, let's be real, drinking is not only fun, it is also always the answer when the answer is not crack-cocaine.

So, after making the well thought through decision to drink myself stupid (er), I buckled down and got to work. Wine is for people who want a good nights sleep. Jameson is for people who are committed to the blackout cause.

Which I certainly was.

We went to the dive bar mentioned in my previous MW post. Things I remember from this segment of our date:

A) Talking to two men with a tiny doggy thinking they were gay only to discover that one of them was married and had a daughter.
B) Deciding that the married man was "gay undercover" and giving him knowing looks and winks.
C) Thinking that I really ought to be writing down some of the nonsense that MW was spouting, but then deciding against it, overestimating my "memory skills."

We eventually left that bar and went on to HIS bar. And yes, the name of the bar DOES have an apostrophe, and no, it is neither cool nor fun. Much like Mr. Wonderful.

So there we were. MW was having a really great time showing off his "connections" at this second rate old man bar. He was "in" with the bartenders, the owner "loved" him, and the other patrons were his "best friends." Before entering this bar, he prepped me:

"The guys are probably going to be mad at me."
"Why?" I foolishly inquired.
"Well, last time I drank here, they handed me the bill and I yelled at them."
"Why?" Yes, I have an IQ of 20.
"Because the bill was too small. I threw it back at them."
"Oh...I...see. You wanted to pay more money?"
"Well, you know." He then took out his wallet and started COUNTING DOLLAR BILLS.

This is not a lie.

We walked into the establishment.
Yes. The bartenders knew him.
Yes. He seemed to know quite a few people.
Yes. The owner came over and said hello.
Yes. He ordered Buttery Nipple shots. For the whole bar.

Record scratch.

Apparently, he really loves buttery nipple shots.

Now, I am not one to refuse alcohol. But a Buttery Nipple shot? I drank those when I was 20 and a virgin. (That’s a different story…)

These days, I drink Jameson’s on the rocks like all good grown-up whores. So, I politely refused the Buttery Nipple and passed it on to an older lady sitting at the bar. I then ordered myself the drink I wanted and took a healthy swig.

What MW did next inspired in me both shock and awe. He grabbed the shot I had passed onto the lady and then dumped the whole shot, glass and all into my Jameson’s.

I was stunned. He was pissed. I decided it was time for me to leave.

I did my signature “storm out” of the bar move, that, p.s., I’m actually thinking about patenting.

He of course followed me, and by the time we were halfway down the block I forgot why I was mad.

But then he did something that inspired me to run like I’ve never run before.

He tried to kiss me.

Cut to me running into the street and practically jumping through the window of a cab.

And those of you who know me know that if I’m drunk enough, I’ll pretty much make out with anything.

And I was drunk enough. That’s pretty bad.

And it’s not over! Stay tuned for MW V…THE SAGA CONTINUES!!!

Mr Wonderful II

Updates:

1) Mr. Wonderful is not very good looking at first, but after 3 glasses of wine he vastly improves.

2) However, not enough to distract from his high-pitched donkey bray.

3) Mr. Wonderful is from the great state of New Jersey

4) Which would explain the light blue polyester button-down he was proudly sporting.

5) Sadly, he could not cover up his polymonstrosity because despite the 40 degree weather, Mr. Wonderful “forgot” to wear a coat. Sidebar: I hate it when men do “quirky” things. It’s annoying and it comes off as idiotic. Be a man. Wear a fucking coat.

6) Mr. Wonderful is NOT in fact a zoo keeper, but actually works at a hedge fund. And no, I still do not understand what a hedge fund is, but for some reason I always picture a porcupine.

7) Mr. Wonderful likes to give himself compliments by telling you compliments that others have given to him. See number 2 in "highlights" for details.

8) Mr. Wonderful is 32.

9) I still do not know Mr. Wonderful's name.