Drunken Dater's Boyfriend Criteria

1) Must not wear hair in a ponytail. Particularly if he is bald on top.

2) Must not drink so much that he blacks out, kills me, then wakes up, finds me dead beside him next to a bucket of half-eaten fried chicken, and wonders what happened.

3) Must not own a gun.

4) Must not own a chainsaw.

5) Must not own black plastic trash bags.

6) In the event that he does accidentally/purposefully kill me blacked out on alcohol, must not dismember me.

7) Must not cook me. This is VERY important.

8) Must not eat me. This is actually the most important thing that I look for in a mate...is that he is not a cannibal. I do not want to be eaten by another human being. Maybe by a tiger, though.

A Year in Review:

I was sitting here this morning, after an evening of making out with yet another co-worker, (this would be number three…and he’s like 22), reflecting my last pathetic year in dating.

Let’s Review:

The Rockstar: Turn-ons: Cigarettes, cocaine, and not calling me. Other qualities include complaining about his life and not living in my state. Of course one would think that this would be enough deter me, but sadly, this is not the case. I ran into him randomly half a year after we met at a Jersey Turnpike rest stop. Naturally, I think this is fate and the universe is trying to tell me something, and that nothing says love like toilets and Cinnabon. As we’ll explore later, my man IQ rests at a comfortable –10.


My Ex: Turn-ons: Lying, cheating, and not having sex with me. I remember 3 years ago, as I calmly sat in a squat, peeing in his bed after finding out he was porking a ho-bag in his flea-ridden apartment, thinking, I will die before I ever see this twathole again. Sadly, this did not turn out the way I planned.

Mr. Wonderful: Turn-ons: Alcohol, polyester, and cheesy meatpacking district clubs. As we approach the final chapter in the MW saga, I leave you with two words--a teaser if you will: Atlantic. City.

Hmmm. I guess that’s it. Besides the boys I randomly made out with, which include (as of last night) 3 co-workers, a boy in a Philadelphia bathroom (apparently this is a theme), and a large African-American man, that pretty much sums up the very sad state of my dating affairs. MOVING RIGHT ALONG!

The 30 Steps to Drunken Dating

1) Admit that you have a problem.
2) Accept that there is nothing you can do about your problem.
3) Feel an overwhelming sense of freedom.
4) Celebrate sense of freedom with a glass of wine.
5) Have another glass of wine to celebrate wine’s freedom from the bottle.
6) Feel sorry for wine still in bottle.
7) Become a hero and liberate remaining wine. Viva la Vino!
8) Consider wardrobe choice for the evening---discover that it’s only 2pm.
9) Fall asleep. At your desk. At work. How awkward.
10) Wake up and walk out pretending like you didn’t just get drunk and fall asleep at your desk in the middle of the day. (This one rarely works unless the rest of your office is drunk. That almost never happens.)
11) Have a glass of wine to celebrate not getting fired.
12) See steps 5, 6, and 7.
13) Struggle into “date clothes.” I.E.: Whatever is lying on your floor that doesn’t have crust in the crotch.
14) Ride subway to meet “date” at pre-determined destination---most likely a bar with a name that has an apostrophe.
15) Pretend that you are sober.
16) Pretend that you didn’t just “miss the staircase.”
17) Pretend that you remember what your date looks like.
18) Ask questions about his life.
19) Pretend to care.
20) Feel a tap on your shoulder.
21) Turn around ready to throw down.
22) Realize your “date” has been waiting for you at the bar.
23) You have been talking to a lamp.
24) Order a whiskey.
25) See steps 18 and 19.
26) Stick your tongue down the throat of who you believe to be your date.
27) Finally begin to black out.
28) Get wildly offended by something your date says.
29) Storm out of bar. Wake up in your bed the next day without a clue as to how you got there.